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Parenting Tips for Everyone
SEPTEMBER, 2010 |
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Those of you who know me well truly understand my passion for assisting families with children having special needs. They also know that I believe there is very little difference between working with a special needs child and working with a typically developing child. However, we must be aware of the characteristics of the disability.We must make some allowances for processing, and sensory issues, and challenging cognitive disabilities. I agree with the philosophy and the statement that "Disability is normal" and in every sense of the word treating the child with special needs as a "Child First." So, as you read the parenting articles in this issue, they apply to all parents and all children. Parenting is a difficult job regardless of the circumstance. It can be even harder for the parent and the child if the child is viewed as "handicapped". The very best we can do for all our children is to treat them with respect and with the understanding that we all have difficulties to overcome. We need to place these challenges in the background, our children in the foreground, and expect the very best of them and ourselves.
Jesse A. Kushner, M.Ed.
President Professional Education and Respite Service Inc.
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| REINFORCING SMALL CHANGES IN YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR | Are you baffled about how to manage your child's difficult behavior? Remember that each step he takes toward better behavior is a move in the right direction.
By Ray Levy, Ph.D.
"Doo-doo diaper-head!" That was the name Michael, age 5, called me in my first interview with his mother and him. Frustrated, and not wanting to be in a psychologist's office, Michael was angry and showed it the only way he knew how. Embarrassed, his mother calmly scolded him, "Don't say that, Michael. That's not nice." Not knowing what else to do with her misbehaving son, she soon directed her attention back to me.
As a psychologist, I want to see the behavior in my office that parents often have trouble with at home. While Michael's outburst was helpful for me to see, I knew that his mother was disturbed by it. During the third session, Michael again became upset, but instead of resorting to calling me names, he took on a sour face, stared for a moment at me, turned abruptly away from me, and faced the window. "Michael, that's rude! Now turn around and stop that pouting." Again his mother was upset by his inappropriate behavior.
"I know you get frustrated with him, Mom," I responded, "but he's showing better behavior and doing a child's version of a self-imposed timeout. Actually, it's better than calling me names."
"I guess so," his mother replied hesitantly, "but he can be so rude. How do I stop him from being so rude and mean?"
While Michael's mother is at a loss about how to handle her difficult child, she is also somewhat hesitant to reinforce a small but positive change in his behavior. "But it's still inappropriate," his mother commented when I noted the change from the first to the third session.
How children and adolescents learn
Children and adolescents with learning disabilities (LD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) often have social and behavior problems along with their learning and attention problems. Rarely do their difficulties occur in isolation of other manifestations. Many parents, teachers, and therapists try rewards or punishments to change much of their defiance or inappropriate behavior. All too often we excuse these children because we believe the myth that they "can't" behave and that it is not within their capabilities. As a result, many grow up thinking the world will tolerate their unruly or just plain "rude" behavior.
As children grow, most children "get it" or seem to incorporate the subtle nuances of our social dance. They understand that when another child rolls his eyes, it is usually a sign that he has had enough of your behavior, or that a sigh means move on to another topic. While these subtleties are often naturally intuited, when a child doesn't easily pick up on them, we often become frustrated and try to teach these skills with our endless lecturing, scolding, and comparison to another sibling or another child. All of our attempts usually fall on deaf ears. Our children's "deaf ears" are not out of defiance, although it often looks like that, but due to a disability. These disabilities are similar to a math or a reading disability and should be handled accordingly. The problem with our approach is two-fold: first, we don't reinforce small changes, and second, we tend not to teach skills but use punishment instead. This article will deal with the first problem.
When students fail a subject, say math, we don't expect them to immediately make an A. Instead, we look for slight improvements like a D- with our tutoring. This signifies they are moving in the right direction. From a D we look for them to improve their grade up to a C and so forth. If I asked any teachers of a student who was failing what the first sign of change would be, they would all indicate a D or thereabouts. Yet when it comes to behavior, we expect children and adolescents who misbehave to immediately right their wrongs and exhibit perfect behavior, hence, go from an F to an A.
One cause of misbehavior
One such patient, Ryan, an oppositional 16-year-old, was continually late on weekends, violating his curfew. His mother would ground him but first engage in a lengthy lecture that usually ended up in a screaming match between the two. Later, to cut down on her worry, she purchased a cell phone for him and instructed him to call her if he was going to be late, hoping the cell phone remedied the situation. The following weekend Ryan took the phone as instructed but didn't turn it on. Again, on returning home late, he was grounded along with a lecture on how insensitive and selfish he was. Several weekends later, he was permitted to go out again. Ryan took his cell phone, turned it on, and when his mother called, had his girlfriend answer it. Ready to pull her hair out, his mother later consulted me on why he does this and why he just can't follow the rules. "Doesn't he see how much easier life would be if he just followed the rules?"
One reason Ryan wasn't following the rules is that he felt whatever he did wouldn't be good enough for his mother. His exact words were, "What's the use?" He was not only dejected but demoralized. He demonstrated his demoralization in even more defiant behavior. "It doesn't matter what I do," Ryan retorted. "Mom will find something wrong with everything I do."
I've heard this cry of demoralization over and over again in my practice from kids 3 years old to late adolescence. In their attempt to get better and improve their behavior, they often move up a step or two on "the ladder of better behavior" only to have their improvement not acknowledged but criticized. Children with AD/HD and LD especially need to know what behaviors we want to see instead, not just what not to do, as we so often let them know through our punishment. Being specific about expected behaviors and movement in the right direction is vitally important and essential to kids with LD. If we are not clear with our expectations and simple encouragement, they relapse to their original poor behavior.
Small steps to help your child
An easy and extremely effective way to change a child's behavior is to note the small improvements or steps that he takes. The psychological term for this is "successive approximations." Successive approximation, or Reinforcing Small Changes, as we refer to it in my practice, involves picking a single misbehavior, determining the smallest sign of change, and then noting when the child has displayed that behavior. For many inappropriate behaviors, or misbehaviors, this is an effective tool to instigate change.
For instance, many parents hate the insolent and disrespectful tone with which their adolescent often talks to them. "How do I make him stop talking to me like that?" is often the response of a parent. Instead of just telling your sullen adolescent not to talk to you that way, find a time he is talking to you with a respectful and appropriate tone, and then say, "Jeff, see how you're talking to me now? That's how I want you to talk to me when you are angry or upset with me. I can hear you much better. Please do more of that." Even if your teenager is talking to you about new computer games or a sports event, he is less defensive and better able to register what he is doing and how he is communicating with you so he can replicate it.
Now just commenting on better behavior once will not ensure that all future problems are solved. Remember, kids don't go from F's to A's in one quick motion but rather with persistence, encouragement, and over time. Hence, you will have to find several times over the course of many days that your adolescent is talking in a respectful tone. Also, the next time he is upset, note after the argument any slight changes you may have perceive; i.e., "Brett, I noticed earlier today when you were upset with me, you didn't use any cuss words. Keep going on that track. You are in the right direction." Your adolescent not only hears what you want him to do more of, but he doesn't get discouraged.
How to reinforce a small change
e.g., child has awful table manners, including wiping his mouth on his sleeve and using his hands instead of utensils. Determine the smallest sign of change, e.g, using his napkin or fork once or twice. (Note: Here is where most parents and teachers fail. They set the bar too high and look for a moderate, not small change, such as, good table manners most of the time. In effect, this is expecting your child to go from F to B+. Not looking for smaller changes will be a guaranteed lesson in demoralization for your child.) Also remember, that a 'sign of change' doesn't necessarily have to be a behavior your child has never exhibited before. Your child may have used his napkin or fork. You just want to increase the likelihood that he will do it more. Let your child know what the problem is and what behavior you eventually want to see. "Cory, your father and I would like to see your table manners improve. We would like to see you use your napkin and your fork and chew with your mouth closed." (Tell your child what you want to see, not what you don't want to see. Be specific.) Then notice the smallest sign of change that you can comment on. "Thank you, Cory. I noticed that you used your napkin" (even though he only used it twice the entire meal). At a later date, let your child know the positive behavior change you observed with a message that you want him to continue and you want to see more of it. "Cory, again I noticed that you were trying to use your napkin more. Also, there were several times that you were chewing with your mouth closed. You are on the right track; do more of that!" Small changes become big changes
Remember, big behavior changes are a conglomeration of smaller changes and don't occur without those building blocks. In the earlier example of Ryan violating his curfew, what could his mother have done differently? First, she should continue to ground him for violating curfew. Reinforcing small changes does not mean allowing misbehavior to slide. Second, she could have noted the small changes that he exhibited, such as, taking the cell phone with him, having his girlfriend answer it, or coming in 1½ hours late instead of his usual 2½ hours late. Acknowledging any or all of these steps towards better behavior would have amounted in continued, but slow, improvement with Ryan instead of his abject resentment and demoralization.
While improved behavior doesn't occur instantly, we often inadvertently discourage it by not noting small changes. By setting the bar lower, and raising it consistently over time, we are much more likely to get better behavior from our obstinate youngsters.
Finally, as far as Michael calling me a "diaper-head," I've been called worse.
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| REAL LIFE STORY | |
Four-year-old Devin was having a difficult time at dinner. Most nights he came to the table angry and only picked at his food. What puzzled his family was that Devin was talkative and happy at breakfast and lunch.
Devin's mother tried to figure out what was wrong. Fixing Devin's favorite foods did not help. Making jokes only made things worse. Then she thought about what happened right before dinner. Most nights Devin watched a couple of PBS KIDS television programs. When Devin's mother looked more closely, she saw that his favorite show began just before they sat down to dinner. Was Devin unable to say he needed more time to finish watching his show? Was his anger a way of saying he was frustrated?
Devin's mom decided to see if she was right. She had the family begin dinner after Devin's favorite show was over. When dinner started later, Devin ate and talked throughout the meal. Everyone was more relaxed. This was a change the family agreed to make to support Devin and enjoy the family meal together.
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| PLANNED IGNORING AS AN INTERVENTION STRATEGY FOR PARENTS AND FAMILY MEMBERS | |
IS THIS SCENARIO FAMILIAR?
After Carol has put two-year-old Josh in bed, given him Pooh bear and a blanket, kissed him goodnight again, and turned off the light to leave the room, Josh begins crying hysterically. Carol thinks, "It's time for Josh and the rest of the family to sleep. What can I do?"
If you have children, or work with children, you have probably witnessed behavior similar to Josh's. Confronting inappropriate behaviors as a parent can be challenging. A child will misbehave for a number of reasons. Sometimes behaviors are aimed at getting the attention of parents or others and are called attention-getting behaviors.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
Planned ignoring is an intervention strategy that has been effectively used to reduce inappropriate behaviors. Planned ignoring occurs when an adult ignores minor irritants or silliness in a child. It also requires the adult to determine which behaviors will stop on their own and which behaviors need intervention, such as damage to property, physical harm to self or others, or behavior that is morally or ethically wrong.
Rutherford and Nelson suggest that a key factor in using planned ignoring is combining it with positive reinforcement for appropriate and desired responses or behaviors. Positive reinforcement is defined as the presentation of a reinforcer that increases the behavior (i.e., a smile by a parent after a child stands for the first time). Planned ignoring also works best as a one-on-one intervention.
Carol implements planned ignoring in response to Josh's crying at bedtime. She continues her journey out of the room and ignores Josh's crying while ensuring his safety through an inconspicuous crack in the door. The next morning as she goes into his room to begin the day, she praises Josh for his bravery at bedtime.
THE CHALLENGE OF USING PLANNED IGNORING
Responding positively to inappropriate or disruptive behaviors can be challenging for parents, teachers, and other adults. A child will misbehave for a number of reasons, such as to gain the attention of an adult or a peer or to escape an unwanted situation. The special education literature often refers to these reasons as the function of the behavior. For example, a parent could ask, "Why does Joey cry and point to the ice cream? What purpose does the behavior serve?"
After correctly identifying the cause or function of an inappropriate behavior, it is important for the parent to evaluate and select an appropriate intervention plan. Interventions are most effective when the advantages and disadvantages are considered in relation to the child's need, the caregiver's (parent, teacher) ability to implement and follow through consistently, and family resources.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Most parents agree that children do lots of things (including some that are inappropriate) just to get attention. If ignored, children will stop many of these behaviors. Parents and other family members must choose which of these behaviors are sufficiently bothersome or inappropriate to target for change. They must then make sure that ignoring the behavior will not be dangerous or unsafe for the child or the family. Finally, they must determine whether they can tolerate a short increase in the behavior following the introduction of the intervention and can persist for a predetermined time to determine the effectiveness of the intervention.
Implementing a planned ignoring intervention requires little material, money, or intensive training. Peers, parents, teachers, and other adults can be taught to implement the procedure easily and effectively. Planned ignoring can be easily embedded in natural routines and activities once the behavior is identified. Here are some specific guidelines.
Identify the behavior
For the intervention to be most effective, everyone-parents, family members, teachers, child care providers-must agree which behavior to target and what it looks like. If Mohammed's parents want to decrease the number of times Mohammed uses inappropriate language, they must specify to adults and peers in his environment which words they consider inappropriate. Once the behavior to be ignored has been specifically identified and everyone has agreed to respond by ignoring the behavior, the intervention may begin.
Identify the conditions
Parents or other people who are implementing planned ignoring should be very specific about what behavior is acceptable in what conditions.
Tameika's mom works at home. She has told Tameika and her brother, Jameel, not to disturb her when she is at her desk working except in emergencies. These conditions were stated simply and no lengthy explanation was given-everyone in the family knows the rules. If Tameika or Jameel forget and pester their mom, she ignores them. When she finishes her work, she thanks her children for respecting her work time and is available for a game or a walk.
Set them up for success
A child who is hungry, tired, or anxious may not make wise choices. A toddler may be more likely to ask for candy and tantrum if she does not get it at 5 o'clock before dinner than at 2 o'clock after lunch. A second grader may hit his brother in the car after a particularly long and tiring day at camp. Parents also have stressful days at home or when they work away from home. Most often, parents understand these circumstances and typically make allowances for them.
But sometimes, life gets the upper hand. Opportunities to plan and carefully allocate time for dinner, homework, and family may be compromised when a deadline has to be met at work or a family member becomes ill. During these stressful times, families often realize that the only consistent attention they give a child is to correct him or her for negative behaviors. Remember, children will work for attention even if it is negative if that is all they can get. So, planned ignoring works best if the child's physical, social, and emotional needs are met in positive ways. Pair planned ignoring with positive praise
Planned ignoring works best when parents and family members respond to or praise another behavior.
Jesse and her mom are in a constant battle over slamming the car door. Mom picks up Jesse after volleyball practice and talks with her about her day at school and at volleyball. This semester, Jesse's grades are not what they should be, given her abilities. Often these discussions end with Jesse slamming the door of the car when her mom pulls into the driveway of their home. Most often she is angry with her mom. Karen, her mom, decides to ignore the slamming door and reinforce another behavior: "Jesse, thanks for helping Zachary with his backpack." Karen can choose to respond to the slamming door or to ignore it and reinforce another behavior.
Sometimes parents have little impact on a behavior, especially with teenagers or young adolescents.
Teresa, Lindsey's mom, noticed that suddenly Lindsey was not interested in hanging out with her friends after school. She did not seem to want to leave the house and seemed somewhat sullen, not her normal sunny disposition.
Teresa became anxious about her daughter and planned to chat with Lindsey's junior high counselor the following Monday, but on Friday something happened that gave some insight into Lindsey's behavior. A fellow student, David, called and asked whether Lindsey could help him with a history project. While on the phone, Lindsey was her old self-happy and exuberant. Teresa began to wonder whether Lindsey was staying home to wait for a telephone call.
Could Teresa have prevented the call or made David call? Probably not. Planned ignoring works only if parents, teachers, and family members know what the reinforcers are for behavior and have some opportunity to change the reinforcers. Teresa could have ignored Lindsey's behavior. It probably would not have made any difference because it was David's behavior, not Teresa's, that was motivating Lindsey's stay-at-home behavior. Parents must be observant, know their children and what is reinforcing to them, and be patient in intervening.
Be patient
One of the most difficult consequences of planned ignoring is that the behavior may increase for a brief time after the intervention begins. Parents must be patient and wait it out. Some parents give up: "It just didn't work." But successful parents, teachers, and family members keep calm, count to 100 if necessary, and wait for the appropriate behavior to occur.
In addition, planned ignoring usually does not have an immediate effect on the behavior. For this reason, planned ignoring will not be the answer for some behaviors. If the behavior poses an immediate threat or danger for the child, planned ignoring is not the answer. For example, ignoring a child's running across a busy street or a crowded parking lot would not be wise. Therefore, think about the behavior and the consequence of ignoring. If no negative results would follow, try it.
Consider the context of the behavior
Parents and family members must consider the context of the behavior (i.e., how often the behavior has worked for the child and for what length of time). For example, if Maria has always given in when Jose tantrums for candy at the grocery check-out counter, it may take a little longer to see a change in Jose's tantrums. The pattern is well established and has been reinforced consistently in the past: "If I tantrum then I get candy." At the same time, immediate changes as a result of planned ignoring may also be difficult to see if Jose receives candy intermittently as the result of a tantrum. An intermittent schedule of reinforcement does not occur on a consistent basis; it follows some, but not all, of the behavior. An example follows.
Son Lee gives in to Chen's tantrums when the store is busy on the weekend but stands firm during weekday mornings. Therefore, Chen does not recognize these contingencies (busy or not). But he does understand that the tantrums sometimes do work, so he just cries a little louder and kicks harder. He works extra hard to test when his tantrums are effective, that is, get him candy.
Following through and being consistent during these times is difficult. No parents like to be the target of staring and nervous giggles when their child misbehaves in public. Try to ignore your embarrassment and discomfort and continue to ignore the behavior. Teaching your child the limits and boundaries for appropriate behavior is worth the momentary social discomfort. Your patience and perseverance will pay off in the end.
Remember-it's their job
The role of a child is to grow into a competent, intelligent, and autonomous decision maker. This growth requires him or her to constantly test the limits and boundaries in relationships with peers, parents, family members, and other adults. The role of parents and other adults is to provide consistent and appropriate boundaries and limits; to express these limits clearly; and to enforce them consistently.
These boundaries broaden as children become adolescents and adolescents become young adults. But the boundaries continue to be important if children and adults are to understand how to behave in groups-families, schools, and society-and independently as autonomous decision makers.
As Jane walks into the kitchen for breakfast, Robyn, her stepmother, reminds her to return to her room make her bed before she sits down. Jane begins to mutter sarcastic, self -pitying remarks: "Why do I always have to do to everything? Sarah's mother has someone to help her family and make her bed because her parents work."
Robyn keeps her composure, ignores her stepdaughter's dramatic body actions and comments, then praises Jane for her independence and helpful contributions with the family's chores when she completes her task. She has reminded Jane of the family rules for functioning in their household (everyone does his or her job), ignored the inappropriate behavior, reinforced the appropriate behavior, and allowed Jane's understanding of the potential differences in family structure and resources between her family and Sarah's to grow.
Researchers tell us that a short burst of behavior will occur immediately when the behavior is first ignored. Just keep at it. Do not give up. This increase in behavior is short-lived and will diminish. Parents may also want to plan another behavior to use to reinforce planned ignoring. For example, some parents vacuum the floor, listen to music with headphones, or stand in the shower when ignoring screaming or tantruming toddlers. Other parents find other activities to help them ignore the inappropriate behavior of their children. Again, these behaviors must be considered only when children are in a safe and reasonable environment and do not require adult supervision or attention.
Planned ignoring can be a successful intervention for tantrums or other aggressive reactions to frustration. However, it must be delivered consistently. Many parents have said, "I tried ignoring the tantrum, but it did not work." Most often the problem was in the duration of the intervention. Planned ignoring has a long-lasting effect, but it does not happen overnight. Adults must always and completely ignore the behavior in all situations. For example, the tantrum should be treated as if it does not exist-no positive or negative attention, no talking or correcting the child, and no hugs or spankings. If the tantrum is not completely ignored, then the child will realize that for the tantrum to work, it must be loud and long before he or she can get what he or she wants.
In addition, it helps if everyone is on board. Everyone who has contact with the child needs to be aware of the intervention plan (who, what, when) so that it is enforced in the home, at school, and in community environments rather than just a single setting or with a single adult. When the behavior stops, wait a few moments and then deliver reinforcement or praise for the next appropriate behavior.
CONCLUSIONS
Planned ignoring provides an opportunity for parents and family members to successfully intervene in the behavior of their child and to demonstrate self-efficacy in their own lives. It is a powerful intervention technique with lasting effects on child behavior. The advantages of a planned ignoring intervention plan are many:
· Little preparation time is needed for implementation.
· It is effective with a wide variety of behaviors.
· Proper implementation leads to success and lasting effectiveness.
· It is a less intrusive method for reducing inappropriate behaviors.
· It gives an opportunity for the child to self-reflect and independently correct behavior.
· It gives adults an opportunity to build a more respectful, caring relationship with the child.
Disadvantages have also been identified:
· It is ineffective if the behavior is not properly identified.
· It is ineffective if the reinforcer cannot be controlled.
· The rate (how often) or intensity (how much) of behavior may temporarily increase.
· The effect on the behavior may be delayed.
· Adults may experience social discomfort when they are implementing it.
Seeing the results of a successful behavior-change program may take some time. Keep in mind that the behavior may even get worse before it gets better. Practice planned ignoring for at least one month before evaluating its effectiveness or giving up.
Remember, inappropriate behaviors that a child has used for a long time will be more difficult to correct and take more time to overcome. If you start to feel discouraged with the strategy, talk with people who understand what you are trying to accomplish. A friend, a family member, or a professional who works supportively with you can help keep you on the right path.
Prepared by
Katherine M. McCormick
Teresa Ratliff
April Walls
University of Kentucky
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BASICS OF AUTISM AND DISCIPLINE
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There are never hard and fast rules about discipline with any child, and most parents struggle with it, at least at first. There is a fine line between wanting to show your children love by letting things slide and by loving them by making sure they grow up to be good people. When it comes to autism and discipline, it can be even harder to navigate.
Parents of autistic children can have a tough road ahead, and they generally have to be even more thoughtful about their discipline. When dealing with autism and having to dole out punishment, parents have to remain positive, be timely, and they absolutely have to be consistent.
There are a few different ways to remain positive about discipline. It is important to reward the positive and good moments as often as possible. Using a reward system for the good moments by giving stickers that add up to get them a treat works well. Though all children will respond to this, those with autism will be helped greatly by this type of system.
Another way to remain positive is to watch for the root reason for why the child might be acting out. Some children may have motor skills problems or trouble communicating how they feel, and they can often act out from frustration. If this is the case, a parent should try to redirect the child with relaxation techniques. It might take a while, but they might be able to learn to soothe themselves in time.
Parents must be consistent with all discipline if they want it to be effective. The child must be able to predict what will happen when the are doing something they should not doing. Consistency will help parents remain in control at all times, and might help sway the child from bad behaviors.
When counting to three to warn a child to stop something or they are going to be punished, it is important to always follow through. A parent cannot count to two and then start over again with the counting or the child will think they can get away with what they are doing.
Timeliness comes when there needs to be swift action. Some parents like to wait until their spouse comes home so they can deal with the child together, however, this rarely works for autistic children. The punishment must be immediate. If they break something on purpose at lunchtime, and then they are punished for it four hours later, the child may not connect the two events and they will be confused and might think they are being punished for a good behavior.
When it comes to discipline, both parents have to be fully involved in the process or the child will not get the most from it. It's important not to leave the disciplining to just one parent.
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It is also important for parents to keep their cool when anything happens. Yelling is never a good idea, but it will be very counterproductive when dealing with autism and discipline. It is okay for one parent to leave the room if they think they are overheating so that they can calm down. It is important to keep a level head. Parenting autistic children can be difficult, but having a consistent and timely plan for dealing with problems is essential.
By Rachel Evans. Sign up for a free newsletter for more information on autism and discipline. In the newsletter you'll find out more about the signs and symptoms of autism.
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FOR PARENTS:
AUTISM SPECTRUM:
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EMOTIONAL DISABILITIES:
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| ON-LINE TRAININGS | |
FOR PARENTS:
AUTISM SPECTRUM:
DEVELOPMENTAL DELAY:
EMOTIONAL DISABILITY:
INTELLECTUAL DISABILITIES:
LEARNING DISABILITIES:
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We hope you have enjoyed this September issue. Again, we invite you to join us on FACEBOOK for continued discussions and parenting tips.
Sincerely,
Jesse A. Kushner, M.Ed.
President
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Professional Education and Respite Service Inc.
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